...continued from "What's Wrong" page
It would be a mistake to think that there is a right or wrong way to grieve. Each person’s reaction to loss is as unique as the loss itself. We each grieve in our own way according to our personality, culture, family upbringing and the circumstances surrounding the loss.
According to popular belief we may think of grief in terms of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s model on Death & Dying (Shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance) which is based on stages that we progress through in a linear fashion. However, in my experience the grieving process is just that; a process. And there is no way around it or over it; only through it. It takes time to work through a loss. Be gentle with yourself and take the time to grieve.
The process is much akin to a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. In the beginning, coming to terms with a loss can be quite disconcerting even frightful as we experience the steep peaks and valleys of the roller coaster. Over time, the steepness of the journey begins to become less intense and the ups and downs less frequent.
It is important to give yourself time to go through the grief process. The first step is to fully acknowledge the loss and get in touch with the often complex feelings associated with the loss. While it is natural to turn within to come to terms with a loss, be careful not to withdrawn into isolation. It can be most helpful to share your feelings with a close friend, through a support group, in a journal or with a professional counselor.
In addition to emotional reactions, we can experience physical symptoms as well. It is not uncommon to feel fatigue, aches and pains, have difficulty eating, sleeping, concentrating or accomplishing simple tasks. Spiritually we may feel anger at God or struggle to find meaning in the loss or in life itself.
We may be frightened by the intensity of our feelings and emotions and even, at times, wonder if we might be going ‘crazy.’ When we experience significant change or loss it is quite natural to experience some form of depression. It is nature's way to help us heal. It may be difficult to face the responsibilities of daily living. It may appear on the surface that we are ‘doing nothing’; when in fact, we are actively grieving. We need quiet time. Our energy and resources are needed within to cope with the circumstances. Accept this time as a time of reflection and healing. Let yourself feel your sadness and other feelings rather than trying to avoid or suppress them.
It may be helpful to consider the following common myths about grief.
Myth 1: We only grieve deaths.
Reality: We grieve all losses.Myth 2: Only family members grieve.
Reality: All who are attached grieve.Myth 3: Grief is an emotional reaction.
Reality: Grief is manifested in many ways.Myth 4: Individuals should leave grieving at home.
Reality: We cannot control where we grieve.Myth 5: We slowly and predictably recover from grief.
Reality: Grief is an uneven process, a roller coaster with no timeline.Myth 6: Grieving means letting go of the person who died.
Reality: We never fully detach from those who have died.Myth 7: Grief finally ends.
Reality: Over time most people learn to live with loss.Myth 8: Grievers are best left alone.
Reality: Grievers need opportunities to share their memories and grief, and to receive support.
(Taken from HFA's bereavement newsletter, Journeys, the "Newly Bereaved" issue)
Remember, that the grieving process takes time. Grieving is a highly personal journey. No one can walk it for you. There is no short cut around grief. You cannot avoid it, climb over it, you cannot walk around it. The only way to move through grief is to go through it by experiencing it. At times, the level of grief can seem all consuming and overwhelming. Stay with your feelings. Trust that the intensity of your feelings will lessen with time.
While loss is often accompanied by a period of depression, if your depression due to grieving feels incapacitating or is severely interfering with your ability to meet daily responsibilities you may be experiencing a major medical reaction called clinical depression.
Depression
Depression seems to be nature's way of pulling us inward to a place of reflection and introspection. We all experience sadness from time to time. Situational depression is a continued state of sadness often trigger by a major event such as a significant change, or loss or death. Chronic depression is often related to unresolved emotional issues. We frequently become depressed when we feel as if we are unable to move forward or when we feel as if we have no good viable options for the immediate or long-term future.
Depression may be an indication that we are out of sync with our spiritual self, or what provides deeper meaning in our life. A sense of spiritual deadness is a signal that it is time to follow your inner guidance and/or that a significant change is needed in some area of your life.
Signs of depression can include:
• continuous low / ‘blue’ mood or sadness
• feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• low self-esteem
• tearfulness
• feelings of guilt
• feeling irritable and intolerant of others
• lack of motivation, and little interest in and difficulty making decisions
• lack of enjoyment
• suicidal thoughts / thoughts of harming someone else
• feeling anxious or worried
• reduced sex drive
It may be helpful to see a simple comparison of grief vs. depression:
Grief
Identifiable loss
Focus is on the loss
Fluctuating ability to feel pleasure
Variable physical symptoms
Closeness of others is usually reassuring
Fluctuating emotions like a “Roller Coaster”
Depression
Loss may or may not be identifiable
Focus is on the self
Inability to feel pleasure
Persistent self destructive response
Persistent isolation from others and self
Fixed emotions- “Feeling Stuck” and/or feeling constantly low
Diagnostic criteria for Major (Clinical) Depressive Episode
Clinical depression is a serious medical condition. If you have five or more of the symptoms which follow for two weeks or longer please seek medical attention.
Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others).
Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.
Insomnia or hypersomnia (sleeping too much) nearly every day.
Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).
Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick).
Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others).
Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
(Source: Modified from the DSM-IV Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition):
Don’t stand by my grave
Don’t stand by my grave and weep,
For I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond’s glint in the snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
In the soft blush of the morning light
I am the swift bird in flight.
Don’t stand by my grave and cry,
I am not there,
I did not die.Unknown Native American Author
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